How To Use Your Head While Following Your Heart
by givesup
Summary: Set during season 6. Booth's POV during the Hannah situation.
1. Not at all what it's cracked up to be

**A/N: This will be several chapters. **

**Dedicated to the person who encouraged me to write this.**

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**It's Not At All What It's Cracked Up To Be**

I wish that without me your heart would break; I wish that without me you'd be spending the rest of your nights awake. – Kate Nash, _The Nicest Thing_

_..._

"Seeley…" Her voice cuts me, especially now. It falls over me and makes me sweat even more than I already am like a thick blanket of guilt that I can't kick off has been laid over me. I close my eyes as I rub my thumb over the sensitive part of her lower back reassuringly.

"Yeah?"

"What are you thinking about?"

I could say nothing, I could tell her not to worry, I could ask her to go back to sleep but I don't say any of those things and for a moment I'm not even sure why. I let out a long held breath and I ask God to forgive me as I kick off the thin blanket from my legs and briefly feel comforted by the cool air of the room against my feet only to be pummeled seconds later by a freight train of worry and anxiety.

"Just about how lucky I am to have you here with me." How I say it, the way those words sound when they leave my mouth leaves me feeling like the biggest piece of shit on this planet. She tightens her hold around me this time, drawing me in closer to her and I follow.

"I love you." She whispers. It's raining pretty steadily and the tranquilizing sound washes over me and I entertain the thought of pretending not to hear her over the drops of water that are currently being blown forcefully into my bedroom window. But I can't get myself to do that, I just…. can't. Right after I question myself silently _what kind of a man am I? _I pull myself together, for her.

"I love you too."

And I do. I _love_ Hannah_. _But I just don't know if I need her more than I actually love her. I'm just not sure whether or not I needed her long before I actually loved her.

"Hey…"

"Hmmm?"

"I think I'm going to go for a drive….get some fresh air." I explain.

"Seeley…" She raises her head from my pillow and forces her eyes open, barely, to look down at me as I lay on my back, stiff and still. I don't say anything because I know she isn't finished yet.

"This is the third night in a row you've gone out for a drive in the middle of the night." She said more worriedly than pissed off to my surprise and relief. All I can do is sigh in response as no words come to my rescue. It wasn't really the middle of the night anyway, it wasn't even technically midnight. 11:49.

"It's pouring outside." Her voice cracks as she pleads and I close my eyes. I just… I have to get out. These last few nights I've felt like I just had to get up and go for a drive. Even that first night, when I was pretty comfortable in bed and in my own skin, in a pretty peaceful sleep, I woke up suddenly with an urgent need to go for a drive. And I did.

I drove around aimlessly, trying not to think about, well, everything. I turned on the radio, flipped through the stations. I drove by some late night hot spots making sure that everyone else in DC was happy with their lives. Eventually sleep would start calling my name again and I would head back towards my place but as soon at that happened, both times, I would find that I was being pulled towards the lab and it was kind of like I was on autopilot… I'd just go without even giving it another thought. I'd get there and make my way into the parking garage. The first night when I saw her car parked in her usual spot I stopped and shifted my truck into park without pulling into a spot. I just sat there. Idling. Watching the elevator doors with my head rested against the head rest, I'd force my eyes to stay open as I watched the doors, watched for Bones. Last night I did the same thing, drove around for about an hour and pretended like my final destination wasn't that god damned parking garage. I even drove past the street I was supposed to turn on only to get about forty yards and then pull a U turn like some kind of fucking maniac. I'd just sit there and wait hoping she'd come out. When keeping my eyes open actually became physically unbearable I'd let myself close them, just for a few minutes and listen instead.

Nothing happened.

She didn't come out and I was definitely _not_ going in.

"I know… I just…. I'll be fine, ok?" I tell her and open my eyes at the same time. I shift over to my side so that I'm propped up on my elbow and face to face with her.

"But you're _not_ fine… you're not." She shakes her head and looks down at the space between us.

"But I will be," I lay a gentle kiss against her forehead, "I promise." Even though it's dark, I can tell that she's started to cry by the long pause followed by a sniff and it _kills_ me.

"But will _we_ be ok?" She brings her eyes back up to mine.

I sigh again as I try to find the right words that will comfort her, that will reassure her, that will keep her from crying. After I rack my brain and come up with absolute shit all I can do is reiterate what was already said. I place my hand on the bed in the space between us and run my fingers along the sheet a few times before finally keeping them still.

"Don't worry; I'm just going for a drive."

Hannah isn't like Bones. She doesn't… push. She accepts what I've given her without further argument. She turns away from me onto her other side and lays back down pulling the blanket up and over her shoulders. After staying propped up on my elbow for a few more minutes going over the fact that I'm a massive screw up and feeling completely defeated I decide to get out of bed. I grab for my jeans and shirt that I threw over the chair when I took them off only a couple hours earlier. I quickly get dressed and grab my wallet from the dresser shoving it into my back pocket.

"I'll be back soon." I say standing inside my bedroom door frame.

"I love you." She tells me again.

"I know Hannah."

I must be an idiot…a complete idiot _or_ completely fucking crazy. I half speed walk half jog to my truck though it really doesn't make a difference because as I jump into the driver's side and slam the door closed nearly taking off my leg in the process I glance down at myself and take note of my now completely drenched shirt sticking to me. I grab one of my towels from my gym bag in the back and start to dry my hair and my shirt as much as I can. I throw it into the back seat and take off.

I pull up to the traffic light. I'm only given until that light turns green to make a decision and I have no clue what I should do. I know what I want to do, but that's different than knowing what you _should_ do. The last two nights I turned left, _away_ from her….granted I ended up going there anyway, but the point is that I turned left first. Maybe I could pop in and talk to her, see how she's been holding up. I mean lately I have felt completely disconnected from Bones and not only is it bothering me because of the actual being disconnected part but what's really killing me is that I feel like I've given up my right to be there the way that I want to be there for her. I'm trapped here in a place that I never thought I would be. I tried. Now she's obviously going through something and there isn't anything that I can do about it.

"Is there?" I whisper to myself.

The horn sounding off behind me startles me out of my thoughts and I look up to see the green light glaring back at me. I stare back at it my foot still pressed on the brake refusing to go. I haven't made a decision yet. _Shit._

The windshield wipers move back and forth across the glass mimicking my very own back and forth thoughts going on in my head right now. The horn blares again and I can hear the faint sound of the jerks voice behind me. I lean to look into my side mirror and I see him sticking his head out of the window and flailing his arms around like a moron. I chuckle to myself and lift my foot from the brake pedal slowly. I guess I'm actually the bigger moron here. I _am_ the one stopped at a green light seemingly very confused, amongst other things. I flick on my turn signal with some added aggression and make the right turn quickly leaving the horn guy behind with a sharp turn and a screech of my tires against the wet street.

When I turn onto the less busy road I feel myself take a deep long breath. I didn't even realize I was holding my breath before. "Jesus." I mutter to myself and wipe away my still wet hair back from my forehead. I wonder how things would have turned out if I would have never told Bones how I feel that night after our session with Sweets. I know… I mean I _know_ without a doubt I wouldn't be going through this shit right now. Your basic fucking stalker. I wouldn't be struggling like I am. I struggle with questions; questions that I want answers to but at the same time…don't want answers to. I mean r_eally_ messed up questions that people would never ask out loud to anyone else, questions that most people are probably even too afraid to ask themselves. Is it possible to love the person you are with but hate the decisions you've made that got you there? It is possible.

Because I am living it.

After more silence, station changing, debating, holding my breath without knowing and letting it out with a near gasp- I finally pull into the parking garage. I see her car parked and I stop before I pass it. My mind decides at that moment to remind me of Hannah. _"But will we be ok?" _I blink her away and focus on what I'm doing _now._

It's early. Earlier than it was the last two nights I was here so I decide to park. I pull up next to the car of one of the security guards. I sit… idling…like I did the last two nights, like a fucking stalker. I can see the elevator doors from where I am but as more time passes my vision begins to get blurrier and blurrier and I can't keep them open any more. _I'll just rest my eyes for a little bit_ I say to myself as I stop resisting that pull and give in to sleep_._


	2. There Is No Other Option

**A/N: It is Woodland, right? I hope so. If not then… I changed it purposely for this story… Just kidding. If it's not then I'm just an idiot. And if anything else is blatantly incorrect, see previous sentence.**

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**There Is No Other Option **

Call it what you want; your gut, intuition, a feeling, hunch, instinct, sixth sense- whatever. We all have it somewhere within us but not all of us recognize it and even fewer of us act on it. In this situation I didn't even have an option. There was no way I could have went against what every part of me was screaming for me to do. There was just no option. Nothing, _no one _could have stopped me. When I open my eyes I notice two things first; one my body literally aches _every_ fucking where and two my eyes are burning like they used too when trekking through that god forsaken desert. I wipe the sleep from them and stretch my legs out as much as I can while giving myself permission to wince as my muscles stretch and joints creak. I bring my wrist up to my face and press the button on the side of my watch and the glowing blue light allows me to read the time, 1:37. I drop my hand against my thigh with an exaggerated slap and fall back against the head rest. "Come on Bones, go home and get some sleep." I say out loud hoping that maybe my message will somehow be transmitted to her through the deep connection we have as partners. "Not so much these days…" I say as I shift my legs into a more comfortable position again keeping my eyes on the prize. That elevator.

1:53 A.M. My phone vibrates from the center console. I reach for it and see that it's a text message from Hannah.

_Are you ok_?

I thumb back a quick reply. _Yes. I love you._

Just as I'm setting my phone back down I see a cab pull up from the corner of my eye and then park in front of the elevator doors and just a few seconds after that I hear the elevator moving. A little confused and insanely curious I immediately sit up from my slouched position in my seat and wait for those doors to open. Holding onto the steering wheel with both hands I tighten my fingers around it. The elevator never _ever_ took this long. I risk pulling my eyes away from the direction of the elevator doors to take another glance at my watch 1:55. I turn my attention right back to where they need to be once I have the time. "That cab can't be for Bones…" I quickly flick my eyes over to her car still parked in the same spot then back on the elevator. The noise from the elevator stops and the heavy metal doors slowly peel away from each other. "Probably just a security guard…" I tap my fingers against the top of the steering wheel impatiently and wait for the cab caller to emerge. The doors finally open completely revealing an obviously distracted, possibly distraught Bones. Admittedly, I panic for a brief moment, not sure if I should get out and approach her, talk to her, ask her what the hell is going on? No. Stay in the car. Just. Stay. In. The. Car. I reiterate to myself as she walks towards the cab. She's walking fast –no she's _hauling ass_ to that cab. She slams the door shut just as the cab begins to pull away.

"Shit…._shit_!" I slam my fist against the wheel and then rub my hand along my face taking a calming breath before starting my truck. I'm not dreaming. I am actually stalking Bones. This is happening. If she ever finds out about this she will be beyond _livid._

I follow the cab while keeping my distance. Yeah, I _was_ worried but now I'm just pissed. I don't even feel bad about creeping on Bones right now. She's not even going anywhere that I'm familiar with _._This isn't familiar. Not that she has to make me aware of her whereabouts or every place she ventures off to in the middle of the damn night, I mean if it's personal then I have no right. I have no rights to her. But this is work related. I _know_ this…random cab trip to God knows where is related to the case. That's why I'm angry. I mean, I should be angry, right? Bones has been acting so fucking strange-withholding information, not handling evidence properly... I, as her partner, well, I _should _be informed about every place that she goes…related to the case. And if she's going out in the middle of the night, in relation to the case, I _should definitely _know about it.

"She definitely should have called me." I confirm to myself feeling pretty damn victorious in this argument with myself.

The cab slows in front of me and the bright red brake lights irritate my already burning eyes. _Normal people are sleeping right now _I think to myself blinking away the stinging sensation and the tears that come with sleep deprivation. As the cab makes a left turn its headlights shine against the green sign posted on the side of the road with bold white lettering. WOODLAND.

"Jesus Bones…" I say as I too make the left turn, still keeping my distance.

After several minutes we finally arrive in a small one way street type of neighborhood where street lamps are busted, pot holes are normal, and stray cats lurk and dodge across the street seconds before you hit them with your car nearly killing it and yourself by way of a heart attack. The cab slows and so do I. As we make yet another turn going deeper into the neighborhood I spot a few young men standing out of the rain under a terrace of a little rundown fried chicken place. Joe's Fried Chicken. The soft yellow light from the store sign above light their faces just enough so I can see that they are not completely pleased that an unfamiliar truck with tinted windows is making its way through their neighborhood at this time of night. And to think, Bones would have been here… _alone_. The thought absolutely sickens me. Finally the cab pulls into the tiniest alley ever and I don't pull in. I pull up against the curb on the corresponding street instead and turn my lights off but keep the engine on, for now. I watch as Bones gets out of the cab and it pulls away. Though I've been driving in it and I physically turned on my wipers because of it, it's only now, _now_ when she stands in the middle of the street, _now _when the rain pours down over her, _now _when her hair becomes darker –almost black because it's completely soaked,_ now _when rain water drips off her face and onto the ground beneath her in what seems to be slow motion do I realize that it is actually raining.

I cut the engine off and with a brief internal struggle I fight my way out of the truck and slam the door closed behind me, leaving all of my doubt inside as I stand on the outside of my vehicle. I scold myself as I look for any signs that she's heard me slam the door. It doesn't seem that she has because she turns to face the opposite direction and looks around while the rain assaults us both. Sighing, I reach for the handle of the back door and grab my coat, like it would make a real difference anyway, and throw it on quickly. I push the back door closed with a quiet _click_ and turn to face the alley again. I let out another long breath r_eally, God? _I ask sarcastically giving my best annoyed as hell face to the heavens before stalking across the street towards Bones. "This situation could not possibly get any worse." I mumble.

Just as I begin to turn the corner into the alley a cat appears from behind a dumpster and I must have scared the shit out of it because when it sees me it takes off in the opposite direction into a group of smaller metal trash cans knocking one of them over. It crashes to the cracked sidewalk before I can intervene and I stop in my tracks immediately. After cursing the cat sent from hell I look over and notice that Bones hasn't seen me. I really don't think she even heard anything. I lean up against the side of the brick wall of the abandoned building. I wipe the rain from my face and eyes and watch her. She looks up at a window. She walks further down the alley and I follow. "Ok so now what?" I ask myself going over options.

I shake my head in disbelief. Thank God I am here right now. This is really becoming ridiculous. There is no way I can continue to let Bones do…whatever it is she's doing… at this time in _this_ neighborhood. I'll just have to deal with the consequences. Lecture, right hook, Sweets… At this point I don't even care I need to go talk to her. I need to know what's going on with her. I increase the speed of my steps suddenly more anxious than ever to get to her. She's crouched in the middle of the road, studying– _what the hell is she doing_? I break into a light jog something inside pushing me to get there faster. "Hey Bones!" I yell.

The rain. This goddamn torrential downpour is acting as a barrier, she can't hear me. I can't seem to get to her. My heart is pounding.

Dim headlights from - I turn and look - a car shine from behind me giving just enough light for me to cast a shadow against the brick wall along side of me. I look at Bones still crouched in the middle of the street. _Oh no…_

Even though my legs go numb with the sudden onslaught of terror I somehow manage to break into a full on sprint. _No, no, no, no, no…. _is all that I can say. I don't know if I said it to myself or out loud but it was suddenly the only word in my entire vocabulary that I could articulate. I run directly _into_ Bones; my body crashing against her and at the same time I'm wrapping my arms around her and then I'm moving her. I'm concerned that I may have hurt her when I realize the force of which I basically…tackled her. But that worry is quickly replaced with thankfulness, appreciativeness, overwhelming gratitude over the fact that my partner is not laying in the street right now bleeding, hurt...or worse. I look at her now. We're both breathing hard, or barely breathing but it doesn't matter, I need to know. No time to catch my breath, I just need to talk to her. Finally.

"Bones what are you doing here?" I say practically gasping.

I have to strain to hear her voice over the rain. _This fucking rain. _Ifind myself listening to her voice more than her actual words. It's just…. It feels so good to hear her voice right now. If feels so good to talk to her_. _She tells me about Lauren. She tells me about what she _knows_ happened. And this so isn't like Bones that I have no other option but to believe her. I trust her. And although I feel eerily elated in the moment I can't stop the ache in my heart as she beings to shiver, her bangs are laying against her face in messy strands, her eye makeup is running and she's looking up at me with those soulful blue eyes. If there is any person who ever thought this woman was void of emotion must have never looked into her eyes. Or maybe it's just me. Maybe I'm the only one that can see this and some selfish part of me hopes that maybe that's the case. She's telling me about what happened with her words but the way she's looking at me I feel like she's telling me so much more and I have to rip myself away from that. I have to climb back _out _of her before I get lost _in_ her. And it hurts when I do. It hurts like hell.

I walk her back to my truck. She is shaking. She's barely standing upright and all I can do is shake my head and bite my lip. I want to say so much to her. She needs to know that she can't do this to me anymore. She just can't. She needs to know that this can never happen again. She needs to know that if it ever did though, I'd follow her again. I'd be there again. But….I don't say any of that. She doesn't say anything either and all I can do is look forward to a quiet ride back to where we belong.


	3. And Now We Wait

**A/N: Hello friends. Sorry for the delay with getting this chapter posted but life sucks sometimes. I just wanted to thank those who left reviews, followed, favorited or in some way let me know how they feel about this story, or about any of my writing actually. Writers, or all artists I'll assume, give a part of them when they create what they create and so when they put it out there for the world to see it can leave you feeling maybe... a bit... insecure? At least for me it does. It doesn't matter how good you are, how good people tell you that you are or how awesome you think you are, there is always some insecurity there and when I get such thorough, meaningful reviews like I have been getting since I started posting here, it makes this, writing, so much easier. It makes it fun. It makes it ok for me to share. Thank you to those who took the time to tell me how they feel about my writing, in whatever way. It means a lot to me. **

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**And Now We Wait**

_At every occasion I'll be ready for a funeral  
At every occasion, once more, is called a funeral  
Every occasion, know I'm ready for a funeral  
At every occasion, oh, one brilliant day funeral_

**Band Of Horses** – _The Funeral_

I reach down almost unconsciously to turn the heat on. My clarity returns when my fingers finally hit the black plastic dial for the heat. I grasp the knob glad to actually touch something, glad to make my hands busy if even for the briefest moment. I turn it on a high setting for now wanting to get Bones warm and maybe wanting to kill some of the silence between us. She has been quiet for awhile all except a few sniffles and sighs. I keep stealing glances in her direction, pretending to look out of her window but really trying to get a read on her facial expression, if there is any at all. I have yet to look long enough to tell. The rain lets up a bit, of course, now it does. I turn the speed of the wipers down a bit and when I do I realize I have just actually added more silence to this weird situation by doing so and I wonder if now she'll be forced to talk. When she continues to stare straight ahead I clear my throat –not that it actually needed to be cleared and I look over at her again. Nothing. I wonder if I should say something to her first and the very fact that I'm even wondering that kind of pisses me off. Bones and I….we're easy. It wasn't always easy. We had to work on a lot of shit to get to where we are –where we _were _I guess I should say at this point.

"Maybe you should take a few days off…" I silently curse myself realizing that Bones would never just randomly 'take a few days off'. I cringe and wait for her chastisement.

"I'm alright now…" She says quietly.

I breathe a heavy sigh of relief. Good. Let's get back to us. Please.

"…except I… I made a mistake…"

Nope.

No.

There is no way. Bones never makes mistakes. "Nah, I told you my opinion, I mean, you got it right." I say, trying to encourage her. Trying to get my old Bones back.

"Not everything…" She says. And her tone…. Her tone lets me know that this isn't about Lauren. This isn't about the case or facts, or even anyone else. This is about something way personal. This is about Bones and she was getting ready to spill. She was getting ready to open up to me and a part of me was waiting for this. A part of me knew this was going to happen. When did I know? Definitely before tonight. "She died with regrets."

"Bones, everyone has regrets…" I say, trying to swallow but finding it impossible to do so when there is actually no saliva in my mouth. At all.

"I heard her you know. Micah says we all get these dim…" She laughs. She laughs that… nervous laugh that I _rarely_ hear. She's nervous. Bones is actually nervous right now and I do not like what that fact is doing to my stomach, "staticky messages from the universe."

Micah? "Who's this Micah guy?"

"The night watchman, he attends a lot of the lectures. Anyway, the point is….she never game him a chance." And now she is looking at me, like I'm supposed to understand what she was saying. Like I'm supposed to just get it and make it all right for her. I'm supposed to understand her, like I always have.

"Micah?"

"No, no…the helicopter pilot. He offered himself to her but she _never_ gave him a chance. That was her regret." She says with a bit of depressing sounding triumph in her tone.

I stop fighting her. I stop fighting myself in this situation. I was right. This isn't about the case, it is about her. It's about us. Maybe I had an idea before but now I know. Maybe at one point I thought I wanted this conversation to happen. Maybe….maybe I even fanned the flames a little bit. Encouraged it. But now… I can't deal with this right now. She cannot be doing this to me _right now._ I'm not ready for it. I'm just not...and I can't. I was already squeezing the steering wheel tight but I try to squeeze it even tighter in this moment. I grip it so tight that I believe for a moment that it might actually disintegrate in my hands and slip between my fingers and then hopefully this night would do the same and I can wake up from this…this…whatever this is.

"I got the signal Booth… I don't want to have any regrets."

My heart hammers against my rib cage. I have to force myself to swallow, hell I have to force myself to breathe. I wonder if I could get away with keeping silent and actually saying nothing at all. I'll just keep driving, right through DC. I'll go west. West Virginia. Kentucky. Missouri. And I won't stop. Hands on the wheel, head straight, never stopping. She'd keep waiting for a reply but I'd stay quiet and keep driving. West. The idea is tempting, regardless though, a few seconds later I hear a strained, unconfident version of my own voice tumbling from my mouth.

"Ah, I'm with… someone….Bones."

This shouldn't be hurting this much. She shouldn't be hurting. I shouldn't be hurting.

"And Hannah…she isn't a consolation prize. I love her."

There. Easy. Simple.

I take a deep breath in and as soon as I do that breath is suddenly dragged back out from me with just a simple glance at her breaking face. She's coming undone. In my truck. At my expense. When that breath leaves it takes every other breath that I had left in my body. It takes my heart, my soul even the pit of my stomach with it and now I'm left empty as she sobs and all I can do is hold _myself_ together. I can't pull over and hold her, tell her that I'm here now, make love to her until the tears stop and her pain disappears. I can't tell her that I love her and that it's going to be ok now and that she doesn't have to regret anymore. I can't do that. I can't… I won't…

Facts. She appreciates facts. She understands facts.

"The last thing I want to do is hurt you…but those are the facts." I try to say as matter of fact as I possibly can with the sturdiest voice I can muster. Once the words are out I can feel the sting in my nose as I fight back my own tears. She quickly pulls herself together and adjusts herself in her seat before speaking again. "I understand. I missed my chance. My whole world turned upside down. I can adjust."

"I did." I say, maybe a little bitterly.

"Yes, you did." She confirms and her words were not like the ones she just spoke previous. _Yes, you did, _they seemed colder somehow. I don't blame her. She opened up, she spilled and now she was closing up shop because I can't be what she needs me to be. I look over at her and she's sniffing and drying her tears with her fingers. There are black smudges just below her eyes from her once intact mascara painted along her long beautiful eyelashes now dripping down and being wiped away with her hands. My heart aches. I think about it before I do and when I'm finally feeling daring enough I inhale taking another large breath to fill my lungs and exhale a shuddering, quivering breath back into the truck.

"Do you want me to-um- call someone? To be with you…or…"

"No. I'm fine

_Alone_.

Thanks."

Someone could have kicked me in the gut with steel-toe boots when I wasn't expecting it and it still wouldn't have been as crushing or debilitating as those words. I ignore the pain and peel my eyes away from her and put them back on the road and my thoughts go back to earlier in the night; Hannah worrying about me, about us. I miss her all of a sudden. I need her now, _right now_.

As all of this is going on I realize that I forgot about the Jeffersonian. Bones' car is there. "Do you want me t-"

"Just take me home Booth, please."

I open the front door to my apartment like it was the middle of the afternoon and slam it shut behind me. I tear my coat from my body and drop it to the floor as I make my way to my bedroom shedding my shirt and pants on the way. When my legs finally hit the edge of the bed I notice her sitting up on her elbows looking up at me. "Seeley…" Her eyes are big and it seems as though she doesn't know me at all, which would have thrown me off any other night, but not this night. I climb into to bed, not next to her, but over her and she slowly recedes back down into the pillows. "You know me and you love me." I say against her neck as I move the cover down and away from her body.

"Seeley- what's wrong… you're –"

"Shhh…" and I shake my head. "I need you, I need this… please."

She looks into my eyes and I look away. I look down at her mouth for a second before I shut my eyes and kiss her, passionately. She kisses me back and runs her fingers down my back. In need of air we pull away from each other. "What's wrong baby?" She asks me gasping and cupping my cheek. I feel that sting in my nose again and this time I don't care. I let the tears fall. "I just need you, ok?" She nods as tears well in her own eyes. She continues to nod as I look into her eyes for a moment. "Ok?" I ask again, needing reassurance.

"Yes." She kisses me and pulls away again to say, "yes." I dive into her neck and push her pajama top over her abdomen and finally pull it up over her head needing to feel her, needing to feel her skin on mine.

"Where do you need it?" She asks me in between sighs and moans.

"Everywhere… I need… it hurts _everywhere_…" I pant. She nods again. She runs her hands over my back and shoulders and brings them to my chest and rubs her flat palms across my skin. After a few trips up and down my torso she uses her nails now and digs into my flesh making me feel. And I do _feel._ Eventually I push into her and I can feel her eyes burning into mine as I keep pushing into her but I keep my eyes closed. I have to keep them closed to feel as much as I possibly can. I just want to feel.

I make love to her over and over again until finally she falls asleep in my arms, exhausted. And I am left to lie awake on my back waiting. I run my hand over her skin and wait. There are so many things to wait for but for right now I settle on staring at my digital clock next to me waiting for that alarm to finally go off.


	4. A Force of Wills

**A/N: So I know I'm supposed to create a story and have it either be canon or A/U or whatever but I don't want to do that with this, so I'm not. This will be canon AND…not….canon….**

**Most of the story will be canon but I'm changing some of it too. Nothing too major, time frames mainly because the time frames on the show are confusing and ridiculous. Or maybe I'm confused and ridiculous... Discuss.**

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**A Force of Wills**

But then  
I know what's wrong

God, you complicated everything  
I know you're gone, gone, gone  
This is where I will blur my line

I will blur my line.

**Sound City** – _From Can to Can't_

The room is silent in the early morning all except for the easy breathing of my girlfriend who is still laying across my chest.

It's sleepless nights like these, when my mind refuses to let my body do what it's desperate to do, that I find that I'm really appreciative over the fact that I decided on an alarm clock that has green numbers instead of red numbers. When I was younger the alarm clock in my room, which was next to me on the bottom bunk, had red numbers. Those red numbers would crawl by slower than I thought mathematically possible while I waited and waited and counted the seconds and minutes that passed while I had to find a way to endure hearing my dad throw my mom up against the other side of the wall. Sometimes, I'd try to close my eyes to see if time would pass faster when I did but…it didn't. Time would still tick away tortuously slow. So at some point I felt I should just keep my eyes open. I watched the numbers fervently to make sure that time didn't actually stop, that every sixty seconds a new number would appear –as stupid as that sounds. I would fight back my tears to keep the numbers on the clock from blurring together into one huge red blob until the yelling stopped, the drywall stopped falling from the corner of my cracked ceiling, and Jared stopped crying. Even to this day red numbers seem to glare at me menacingly, mocking my childhood torment. Green is definitely much more soothing. Much more understanding, better for me.

_Everywhere… I need… it hurts everywhere…_

God. Where do I start with this mess that I've created? What I said…how I was…my state when I walked through that door only hours earlier. Thinking back on it I can hardly recognize my _own_ actions. I was a man possessed. When I physically shake my head at the gut wrenching thought I feel her stir and I know she's coming out of her deep sleep. If I tell her about Bones….and she puts that together with how I acted… I just…

I don't want to hurt her.

I want her to understand that I am completely in love with her and that I acted out of pain and confusion and being afraid. I care about Bones. Hannah knows that. But my heart… my heart is with _her_ and not anyone else. Maybe Hannah already has an idea though. Maybe she could tell that I just had some kind of traumatic fucking event take place where my partner tells me that _now_ she wants to be with me and then breaks down on me because I _can't_ be with her. Maybe she'll understand that Temperance Brennan left me completely gutted and I just…_needed_ her. I just needed her love. Her kiss. Her soft caress. I just needed to be close to her after being so far away. I just needed her reassurance.

….maybe I won't have to actually explain anything at all.

I look down at her face when she sighs against my chest in her sleep; her breath tickles me a little and I wipe at the spot. How am I supposed to tell her without betraying Bones, our friendship, our partnership? How can I tell Hannah without completely and utterly destroying Bones' trust; the trust I worked so hard to get. How can I be a loyal friend and partner and a faithful and honest boyfriend at the same time? And with that thought it feels as if someone is suddenly squeezing my heart as tightly as they can in their giant iron gloved fist and my eyes snap shut as images of Bones sitting to the right of me flash across darkness. I see her tear streaked face all over again and her watery blue eyes piercing through me with intense desperation. I force my eyes open again wanting to put a stop to this painful slide show of recent memories but my chest continues to tighten anyway as the feelings remain even though her face is gone.

Telling Hannah….that would be…betraying Bones.

The alarm sounds sending Hannah into a panic as she bolts up from my chest and reaches across me to slap her hand against the offending object putting a stop to the alarm. Of course knowing exactly what time it was I was prepared for the noisy attack and I watch Hannah curiously as she looks around like she's lost.

"Time to wake up."

"I know… I know…" She says with a yawn wiping the corners of her eyes. After a moment she starts to settle back down against me like she always does to get a few more minutes of shuteye in. "Come on, let's get up. We've both have lots to do today." I nudge her leg a little with mine. She murmurs something that I don't quite understand but I grin any way and move her off my chest gently so I can lie on my side. I look at her for a minute. She's so innocent and beautiful and….mine. She's mine and she's happy to be mine. I kiss the side of her face right next to her eye and she scrunches her nose in response.

"Come on. You shower first. You hate it when I use up all the hot water." I whisper and she smiles right before opening her eyes again looking directly into mine. She stares at me for awhile, looking quite content at first but then her smile fades and her eyes lose their brightness as she continues to examine my face. It concerns me a little and I begin to open my mouth ready to ask her what's wrong. But before I can do that she's sitting up.

"Nice tactic soldier." She smiles at me and pushes down against me with force in order to gain some momentum to lift herself from the bed, crawl over me and make her way to my bathroom. I roll onto my back again and move both of my hands behind my head and close my eyes for just a few minutes; the first time since I've gotten in bed that they've actually been closed for any amount of time longer than a few seconds and it feels so good. I can hear her rummaging around for awhile and then the very last sound that I hear is the sound of water from the shower spraying against the tile before I'm lulled into a sound sleep.

"Seeeeley…" At the sound of my name I crack one eye open and then with hesitation the other to see her staring back down at me, her hair curtaining her face and shoulders, a smile begins to form and her eyes are bright once more. "You, sir, are going to be late if you don't drag your ass out of bed right now."

I chuckle, barely.

"Yeah… I'm just so exhausted. But… I'm up."

She turns her head sideways a bit and looks at me seriously now. "I'd be tired too if I wasn't sleeping at night." I rub my hand over my hair starting at the back of my head and then down my face as I shrug at her words. She's right. "You're right." I reach up and cup her face bringing her down to meet my lips. After a quick kiss I release her. "You better get going or we'll both be late for work today."

She smiles a tight lip smile and stands up quickly, her perfume rushes my senses and I have to sniff away the urge to sneeze. It isn't that I don't like the smell. It smells nice, but I'm still not used to waking up to it. I guess. "Do you love me?" She asks as I sit up in bed and swing my feet over the edge. I look up at her and try not to look offended. "Of course I do." She pauses and I wait for her to say something else. She doesn't. I stand up and walk towards her, realizing when I actually get to her that I'm stark naked but not caring in the least at the moment. "I love you, Hannah." I kiss her again on the lips and let my face linger close to hers for a few seconds before pulling away. "I love you too." She says smiling at me and she starts to walk away dropping my hand from hers as she leaves the room. I move back to my bed, barely lifting my feet off the floor with each heavy footed step. I sit down knowing that I should be in the shower, knowing I should be getting ready for work but not wanting to. I don't _want_ to shower, I don't _want_ to get dressed, and I don't _want_ to go into work today. I flop down and lie back against the bed and pull the sheet over legs.

…

"Jesus Booth, you look like shit."

I eye the overly honest but oh so right agent for a minute before I get back to concentrating on filling up my coffee cup.

"Thanks Ramirez." I say with a sarcastic tone.

He pats me on the shoulder and he leaves the room without saying another word. _Yeah, I feel like shit too._ I make way to my office trying not to make eye contact with anyone as I do. I know that I need to call Bones but I'm so goddamned nervous. I'm nervous because I still feel like an asshole. I know I didn't do anything wrong, technically, but I still feel like a dick. I feel like she has the right to be pissed off even though there really isn't a reason for her to be. Is there? I hurry my step as the hot coffee begins to heat my mug making it extremely uncomfortable to continue to hold. I feel like she has the right to shut me out, shut down and treat me the way she did when this all started years ago. I turn the corner and head into my office willing myself to sit down at my desk and make the call. _Just do it._

I stop mid-stride. My eyes wide and mouth open. "Bones."

"Hi Booth." She says, softly. I don't know if or what kinds of emotions run across my face after she said my name but I'm sure it was something because she quickly speaks up again. "I just wanted to bring these to you." She stands up from the chair and walks over to me and holds out a folder. I finally snap out of my state of shock and try to get some kind of a grip. I take a step towards her, not yet taking the folder.

"Bones…I would have just gotten these from you when I came over to the Jeffersonian, like usual."

"No." She shakes her head and she takes her eyes off mine for second. "Just," she sticks her hand out more so that the corner of the folder is pressed against the center of my chest, "it's not about the case, Booth." She brings her eyes back to mine. I shake my head a little in confusion in response and move over to my desk to place my cup of coffee down, the uncomfortable feeling turning into a burning sensation against my fingers but still it's nothing compared to the fire that's burning in my stomach watching her now with that look she has on her face. Once I do I take the few steps back towards her and take the folder from her hand I give her one long hard look before putting my focus back on my current task. I pull the front cover away from the back cover and quickly read the heading on the document that starts the thin pile of papers. The unpleasant heat that I felt in my stomach begins to rise and I can feel it at the base of my neck as my eyes continue to scan the paper. As the realization continues to sink in, it gets worse; it makes it way up my neck setting a steady pace to my temples and then finally the top of my head ending with a throbbing that I can actually hear.

"Booth…. Booth…" Her voice fades in and out and by the third time I hear my name clear as day.

"Booth."

I quickly close the folder and look at her.

"Are you ok?" She reaches out her hand like she wants to put it on my arm but she doesn't. She just holds it between us for a minute before letting it fall back against her side.

"Am I ok?" I scoff. "What are you doing? What is this?" I hold the folder out, trying to give it back to her but she doesn't take, in fact, she takes a step backwards putting her hands into the pockets of her blazer.

"I thought… I thought that it would be best for-

"Best! Best for whom?" I shout and I see her eyelids flinch slightly before taking a deep breath and she begins speaking again with the calmest of demeanors.

"I thought I might be the one to initiate the inevitable. I thought it would be best for you, Booth."

The very last part of her sentence her voice cracks and she's open again, just like that. Just like last night. I don't say anything for a moment, I look at her. Look for signs that this is wrong, that she doesn't want this. And finally after some time I see her eyes begin to glisten and in that moment I want to grab her and shake some sense into her while she's like this. But I don't. I would never. "No, this is NOT the best for me, ok?" I step towards her, tethering the line of my own self control but trying my hardest to keep my voice as neutral as possible as we stand in the middle of my office. "This would be the absolute worst for me." I swallow hard and it actually hurts when I do. I can see that she seems shaken. Shocked. She doesn't say anything, verbally.

"Please," I beg through gritted teeth. "Bones I'm so sorry." She brings her hands up to her face to wipe her eyes and after a moment of gathering whatever it is she needed for herself she finally says something.

"So you want to continue to be my partner. After what I did?"

In disbelief I stutter over my own words as I try to articulate a coherent thought to her. "Bones… how could… look… you didn't – you did nothing wrong." I say giving her complete eye contact. "Nothing."

I can see relief lift from her body as she physically sags in emotional victory.

"And this," I continue waving the folder with the papers inside in front of her face, "this will never come up again because there is no way in hell it's ever gonna happen." I rip the folder in half and toss it onto my desk.

"I'm sorry Booth… I should have –

"No. You're fine." I close the distance between us and place my hand on her shoulder, not wanting to bring her in for a hug, but wanting _needing_ to show her some kind of affection.

After another deep breath she nods accepting the conclusion of this…meeting. "I think that it would be best if we just did not mention this - what happened now and…" She stops talking and I don't need her to finish what she wants or doesn't want to say because I already know.

"Listen." I say, gaining more control of myself and this situation and realizing just how out of control I nearly got. "I'll come by this afternoon, alright?"

"All right." She says and smiles at me but it's that crooked smile that she gives when she's trying to force herself for my sake to be ok but fails miserably at the attempt.

My heart breaks. Again.

* * *

**So how much do you guys hate me with all the Hannah scenes? A lot right? I know but it's necessary for what I'm trying to do. Forgive me! **


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